It's totally happening...

Crazy how two small words could make such a dramatic difference.

Another week of training behind me and another week of a gloriously quiet head.  Only two weeks remaining until the Qualifier and finally we have some decent breakthroughs! Check out the changes in only one week, now that I no longer walk at any point on the qualifier course:

Tuesday's - Start Line to Gate Repeats:

9/18/13 22:30, 24:28, 25:27 

9/24/13 20:41, 22:15, 23:12 

Thursday's - Horse Trail Loops - Yes, I still power hike the majority of climbs, but I now jog parts too:

9/20/13 12:27 (from trailhead to Tollroad), 23:32 (complete loop), 27:19 (complete reverse loop) = 50:51 

9/26/13 12:03, 22:49, 25:47 = 48:36 - Solidly under 50:00.  Yahoo!

Saturday's - Qualifier Time Trial:

9/22/13 20:31 (to gate), 34:44 (finish) 

9/29/13  19:45, 33:52 - this is the first time I've ever been under 20:00 or 34:00 when running alone! 

Granted a lot can happen in two weeks and there are a number of challenges to still surpass... like I'll be out of town this Wednesday through Sunday, on a very promising rural adventure, so this week's training and eating are going to be off kilter.  But, I'm taking my running shoes and plenty of protein and fat, so I'm not overly concerned.  I'll try to blog when I get home Sunday night.

One thing I know for sure, come October 12th...

And leave the results up to a Power vastly greater than myself!

Silence Is Golden

At least when it come to my head!

For the last week, my head has been completely quiet through ALL of my training sessions.  If that's not a record, it's darn close.

Why is that so important?  Because it means that my training can just be training and not a character judgement... either good or bad.

And why is that important?  Because then I can have a good session without glorifying it and I can have a bad session without throwing myself to the wolves.

Translated, that all means I get to work as hard as my body can tolerate (by perception) without my brain sabotaging the effort.

How has all this played out last week?

Well, in CrossFit, it means I thrived in every class and performed respectably.  That's good enough for the time being considering it's not my primary emphasis.

The real showing happened out on the field, which is where my head predominantly tends to explode.  For the last five weeks, I've been doing the exact same runs.  Here are the stats from the first week and this last week.

Tuesdays - three repeats from the Qualifier start line to the turn around Gate. - Goal: 19:30
8/13/13 - 22:05, 25:06, 26:56- I walked EIGHT times that first evening
9/18/13 - 22:30, 24:28, 25:27 - ZERO Walks

Thursdays - Horse Trail Loops - Goal: 40:00
Up the Horse trail, down the fire road, past the bridge, back to the start line... repeat second time, in reverse:
8/15/13 - 14:30 top of horse trail, 27:18 1st loop, 10:00 REST, 31:10 = 58:28 total
9/20/13 - 12:27, 23:32, 27:19 = 50:51 (ZERO Rest)

Saturdays/Sundays - Qualifuer Time Trials - Goal: 32:45
8/17/13 - 22:18 split, 38:28 - TWO Walks
9/22/13 - 20:31 split, 34:44 - ZERO Walks

These may not seem like big differences to you, but eliminating all walking is HUGE because it finally opens the door to speed development.

Why did it take so long to eliminate the walks?  Because my head kept telling me that I was faster power walking than I was jogging.  I was so intent on the finish time, I would drop into a walk just to rush.  The problem was that I plateaued within weeks and wasn't able to drop the time any farther.

Last weekend when I sent Coach yet another crummy result from the Qualifier time trial. I got back a text yelling at me to STOP walking.  So I did... finally.

This week will be a good opportunity to see how quickly the gains come. Will it happen fast enough to get me back on the team on Oct 12th?  We'll see, there is enormous power in a group and it's been a long time seen I ran with my peers...

Oh, for those curious... why is my head quiet finally quieting down?  Three weeks of a minimum of 30 minute daily meditation, non-negotiable.

Body Dysmorphia and Real Change

This week is all about my fitness goals and what prompted last week's post...

I have a double goal.  I want low body fat (19% ideally) and I want to be fast enough to run comfortably with the Arrogant Bastards.

As of Friday, my body fat % was down to 29.58%. It's the first time it's fallen below 30% in at least five years. Just three months ago it was 35.26%... that's a reduction of over 5.5%!  I should be overjoyed and celebrating the achievement!  

So why do my thoughts keep drifting back to the fact that the reduction progression has slowed down in the last month?  That it may only be 1% a month going forward and that I may actually have to stay on this specific eating plan for another 9-10 months?  The fact is I miss eating the way I used to and I don't like having to take the long hard road to real and permanent change... See how easy it is for me to focus on the negative and wallow in self-pity? 

That's why the other half of the goal is just as critical...  Getting stronger in the gym and faster on the trail. 

For me, low body fat is meaningless if my body isn't also strong and fast.  In the last seven years I've learned that what I see in the mirror is rarely real. Almost every time I look in the mirror today, I see the same body I've always seen, yet I know intellectually that my body looks different.  It's called body dysmorphia, so I've learned to just ignore the mirror and focus on the performance metrics.

Tomorrow morning I'll be running the fourth qualifier time trial in a month.  So far, I've been getting progressively faster to the gate, but giving the gains back on the return.  This weekend my focus is to hold my ground on the way out and be relentless on the return... and keep my head quiet throughout.

Enter the tricky part... For the last month Coach has had me training alone on the trail three times a week, repeating the same grueling drills over and over again.  He wants me training alone specifically to force me to push through my default negativity and self-defeating mindset.  (It's an uphill battle and the few times friends have been on the trail at the same time has been a very welcome respite from my head, even though I am rarely able to run with them.)  To keep my head quiet and prevent the negativity when I'm alone, I use music, prayer, meditation, affirmations, etc. Sometimes the tools work and sometimes they don't.  I am still trying to figure out what tools work best under what circumstances.  

Remember the onion peeling...  I always thought I just needed to fix the body and the brain would fall in to place.  I am learning the hard way now that not only is my brain harder to fix than my body, it takes a whole lot more time. By comparison, it was easy to just stop the physical behaviors of drinking, smoking and eating sugar.  But, how the hell does one stop their head from thinking?  Or force it to think only good thoughts?  My mentors say it's just going to take time and patience... and the willingness to just feel feelings without medicating them away with drink, drugs or food.  Eventually they say my brain will be retrained.  

So, while I keep learning new tools, I will keep applying the tools that have always worked so far...  I will stay on the long road, listening to my experts who know me much better than I know myself and just take it One Day at a Time letting the time pass and changes come as they will, trusting that the solutions are in the journey.

Peeling the onion...

Before you read this post, you should know it really has nothing to do with my running, crossfitting, or nutrition. Those are all well on track and I'll post an update next weekend.  So then, just what is the point of this post and why am I putting myself so far out there?  

It's expressly because I am a leader in my communities and there are so many of you will identify with these words I've written.  It's for you; to know you are not alone in your personal brand of craziness and that if you keep persevering, you too will have the opportunity to uncover the layers of who you really are, so that the true healing can happen.  As for anyone using this post for judgement and gossip, enjoy the fodder!

Layer by Layer...

There was a time when I thought the root of my happiness was challenged by...

My mom
then it was my husband
No, really it was my dad
Duh, it must be no girlfriend!

Eventually, I grew to realize that people were all just outside influences and my problems really originated within me...

First my alcoholism
then is was my smoking
No, really it was my nutrition
Duh, it must be my sugar addiction!

In reality, all of these areas are very important, but they are just physical factors, they not the root cause.  How do I know this to be true?  Because each time I peel away a layer, another layer is revealed, and as soon as I adjust to the new vision, another layer becomes visible, so I peel it away too, and guess what?  Yup...  Welcome to my world today.

At least for today, I live clean and sober, eat properly, train consistently, sleep sufficiently and am far more disciplined than at any other time of my life.  I have spent a lifetime focused on creating certainty in my life.  Certainty that as long as I keep all my ducks in a row, my health will be excellent and my life fulfilling and happy.  (Hmm...one odd thing about those ducks is they've somehow kept multiplying through the years!)  Talk about a thousand forms of self-delusion.

So, now that I have all my adorable little ducks nicely lined up, how can I possibly still be experiencing even occasional bouts of depression, irrational fear, shame and self-loathing!? Seriously, WTF! Sure, these bouts are few compared to even a year ago, (and nothing compared to what they were like ten years ago!) but I was positive that cleaning up the food and getting off the sugar would eliminate the last of them and I was truly shocked to find that I was wrong.  It seems another layer has been revealed, and boy is this a painful one.

Thankfully, when I'm obviously over my head, I've finally learned to quickly seek out the advice of those I trust...

My physical mentor essentially says the roots originate in my mind and can only be resolved with the tools of expert assisted introspection.   Sounds clear and like a very good idea for peeling away lots of ugly little layers I'm sure are still nicely buried.

While my spiritual mentor completely agrees that expert assisted introspection can be invaluable for uncovering layers and applying tools for healing, she believes that it will still prove insufficient to provide lasting peace of mind.  The root of all my unrest, she says, is actually caused by a spiritual malady and that I am far from unique and alone in my suffering.  In fact, she pretty much guarantees that my serenity will only ever be as stable as is my conscious contact and reliance on God.   She followed that by saying the best way to maintain that contact and reliance is with constant diligence dedicated to prayer and meditation, along with regular application of the tools for introspection and healing.  

In my heart I've known this for a number of years and while I've definitely made huge inroads in the process, I've still always felt that the outside world needed the most attention.  In one sense, I can see the necessity of this path because the outside influences have always thrown up a serious noise barrier to the silence.  But now that I've pretty much eliminated all other factors, it seems that both of my mentors are right, which means that the real work is still ahead of me...

GORUCK Challenge!

I LOVE challenges that stretch me beyond my known limits. Since 2007, I've found myself involved in a rather eclectic mix of activities... everything from the 2007 AidsRide, 2009 High Desert 50k, 2011 USAW Pan American Masters, 2013 R2R Grand Canyon and now last weekend's GORUCK Challenge. Each one of these grand adventures have helped shape my character as both an athlete and adult woman.  I can't hardly express just how important they have been in creating my destiny, but maybe that's a post for another day.

Tonight, I'll just share about GORUCK.  Let's open with it's not your typical fitness event.  In fact, every single one of the girlfriends I told about it were positive I had gone insane.  I guess I either didn't explain it properly or they just couldn't see past the dirt and discomfort to all the benefits of the event.

I knew I wanted to do a GORUCK as soon as Eric and Elise shared a few stories after their GORUCK Challenge.  I surfed the website and saw GORUCK Lite (6-8 hours), but it didn't attract me... too easy. (Eric has led our community on too many leadership challenges for me to be too easily intimidated.) The thing was I didn't think I could thrive in a Challenge (12-14 hours), I just knew I wanted the experience.  So, I threw out a post on Facebook to see if I could get a battle buddy and within hours Beth Jensen said she wanted to do it too.  I'm really glad she did too!  She was the only person among all of our friends and community who chimed in.  I like to think I would have had the courage to sign up alone if she hadn't joined, but I'm so very glad to have missed that test and been able to share the experience with her.  Beth was the BEST imaginable companion for this adventure... fearless, strong and unflappable. Her constant calm confidence kept us both firmly grounded during all the months and hours leading up to Challenge.


We chose a GORUCK Challenge three months out, in San Luis Obispo.  We figured SLO would give us the best scenery and great opportunities to roll around in the surf and sand.  After we registered, we read and reread everything we needed to know, then went out backpack shopping.   All GORUCK events require that participants wear weighted down rucksacks (another name for backpacks- hence the name "Go Ruck".)

Our challenge required we carry 4 bricks totaling 20 pounds.

Doesn't sound like a big deal, but then add 3-liters of water, plus the weight of the pack, and a few snacks and emergency items.  I never weighed it, so who knows what the actual weight was, I'll just say it felt ridiculously heavy!  At least that was the case during all my weekend training hikes.  In fact, the more I trained the more trepidation I had about my success.  I kept having these visions of being in the surf doing flutter kicks and getting drown in the waves because I couldn't move in a soaked pack.  Ah, the mind can create some pretty scary scenarios!  The reality?  We never even went to the beach, nor submerged in any body of water.  It's a good thing I didn't let my irrational fear demon (you know the little guy tattooed on my left forearm?) win because he was wrong and if I'd have listened, I'd have missed out of an amazing growth experience.

So, fast forward to G-Day.  Beth and I drove up early afternoon, opting out of meeting the rest of the team for beer and burgers beforehand, preferring to just rest and build up our energy reserves for the night.  Our GORUCK launched at 9pm, which meant we would be out all night.  In hindsight that was both good and bad, bad because we missed an opportunity to meet and greet 15 guys and 4 other gals.  Good because we didn't puke during the first session of "Good Livin" like some of those who'd been partying early.

I could go on forever about all the different experienced we shared.  Sure some of the stories are favorites, like watching the fog roll in as we're climbing Madonna Mountain and accomplishing the impossible when we moved that enormous power pole a good half mile.

Others are super humbling like when I put my foot so deep in my mouth with Cadre John that we all paid the price at the top of Madonna Mountain...  The Cadre are a funny breed... as we all know from our own fearless leader, sometimes they're gentle and sometimes they're brutal.  So Beware When Poking Lions!

Then there's the completely ludicrous, like Kellie somehow being passed this beast and no one wanting to take it off my hands.  Are you kidding me???!

Some of the stories are super funny, like my almost getting us all blasted during my leadership turn because I was too excited to find my inside voice in a residential district, (instead we missed our time hack, so I got to lead us to flutterkick hell anyway, lol)

or getting hosed and cookie doughed in a sand box.

There were SO MANY remarkable memories that it's impossible to share them all.  What I will say is that the whole night was everything I had expected and yet nothing at all like I had expected.

I went in to it thinking I would be the oldest and slowest, the weakest link.  I was ready for the night's lesson to be one of humility and teamwork.  What I found was that as soon as we started, my energy spiked and my pack instantly lightened... and it stayed light the entire night, making it much easier to maneuver up and down off the ground than I would have thought possible.  Beth and I were both right in the middle of the pack, the entire night... except she's a much stronger leader and got us all through some sticky teamwork challenges that the assigned leaders were failing... like setting cadence to lift that bloody pole.  Shhh... don't tell but that's also her with the honor of carving Class 742 on our finally resting seat.

There were some moments when I was weaker than most of the guys, like on the freaking weighted push-ups and moments when I was stronger than some like hiking up that endless mountain.  We ALL had our moments of strength and weakness and I was actually able to thrive throughout the entire event.  That was one of my greatest lessons of the event.  To finally STOP underestimating and selling myself short.

So, now I look back to last weekend with a new set of eyes and accept the fact that I chose a goal I wanted bad enough to do what it took to accomplish it.  That meant dialing in my food, sleep, training, and culminated with asking Eric's help to get back on the Arrogant Bastards.  That extra boost of his eagle eye on my performance, nutrition and stressors, helped elevate my fitness foundation to the place of what I consider complete and total success.

Oh, and if that's not enough good stuff to soak in... here's a real kicker... you know how I've been struggling with reducing my body fat for years right?  Well, Eric weighed and pinched me after the event to gauge just how much muscle I had lost through such a long endurance event and not only did I NOT lose any muscle, in the last two weeks I have actually gained over a pound of lean muscle tissue AND my body fat percentage is now (drum roll please...)
29.5%  I am under 30% for the first time since 2008!

Obviously, I'm staying the course and continuing to do exactly what Coach says because, on October 12th... I will again be pushed to the limit to get back on to the Arrogant Bastards, hopefully just in the nick of time to train for The Bastard 50k in December!

Oh, by the way... I have been vetoed on all possibility of forming a custom GORUCK event here at home, so if you want the time of your life, grab a battle buddy and go make it happen on your own!  If you time it right, you just may find me out there with you... because I definitely see another Challenge in my future and am already beginning to wrap my head around the possibility of dare I say it... GORUCK Heavy.

Roadkill Writes Again...

So, it's been over two months since I last blogged.  As the Bastards know, I missed my fourth qualifying attempt by about a minute. A lot has happened in these last two months, I'll dedicate a separate post to GORUCK a truly memorable event, but first a final catch-up and I'll be back to blogging weekly.

Last stop, July 10th... 32% body fat and super slow, but finally sugar free.  Since I didn't know what was causing the problem, I chatted with friends and opted to keep doing what I was doing and see where I stood the next month. I had my body fat tested on August 8th by the same friend who had been testing it for the last two months and to both of our dismay, there had been ZERO movement... it was still 32%.  That meant everything I thought I was doing right was still wrong and I needed to take a serious look at exactly what I was doing to cause such chronic self-sabotage in my results.   When I mentioned the latest update to Eric, he kindly kept his opinion to himself, but later that day I was tagged in a Facebook post of one of his associates.  It was enough to send me completely over the top and I highly recommend each and every one of you reading my blog, take the time to follow this link (https://www.facebook.com/PSandC) and read the AUGUST 8th post on their Facebook page.  Who knows, you too may also find yourself rethinking your relationship with your coach.

After lots of prayer and meditation it finally became clear.  Olympic athletes do NOT create their own training, they do NOT create their own nutrition plans, sleep plans, or ANYTHING else that will have an impact on their performance and achievement of the goal... Olympic Gold.  Instead, they bring in expert coaches and give them 100% full control... then they do EXACTLY as they are told.  They don't argue, debate or second guess their coaches.  They just say yes and trust the experts to get them the results they need.  Need an example closer to home?  I did.  Look at Donna Walters, our 2013 CrossFit Games SILVER Medalist.  I can guarantee she didn't do ANYTHING that Eric did not tell her to do, instead always doing EXACTLY what he did tell her to do.

The more I thought about these examples the clearer it became that as soon as I became an owner at Team CrossFit Academy, I stopped giving my Coach complete control over my training, and in short order I stopped making gains in my performance.  Now, don't get me wrong, in hindsight, I couldn't have done anything different because Eric and I absolutely had to develop a new relationship based on an equal partnership, not just coach/client.  Given that we're both just slightly stubborn and opinionated, it took us a few years to fully achieve that critical balance, and it was at the price of our coach/client relationship.  It wasn't that he wasn't willing to still be my coach, he has ALWAYS been willing.  It was me who pulled back and changed, and it was also me who had to come a full circle before I could again allow the relationship to change.

On August 10th, in an enormous amount of mental anguish I finally gained full clarity and knew I not only needed my coach's help to get back on track, but that my relationship with my business partner was stable and solid enough to allow for the existence of both relationships.  So, over I rolled belly up, and asked him to please get me back on the Bastards in October.  He asked for 100% commitment and I guaranteed him that I would do exactly as he directed, without argument, debate or second guessing.

Wow.  What a difference a few small weeks can make.  The first thing he did was start me weighing and measuring my food... It seems I had been eating all the right stuff since June, I just wasn't eating nearly enough of it.  When I pulled out all the fruit, I didn't replace the nearly empty calories with healthy proteins and fats, instead I just replaced them with lots of leafy veggies which is not the same thing at all. So, for the last two months I've been basically starving myself.  Damn!  Nutrition is sticky business my friends, because I was always eating until I was full and was POSITIVE I was eating properly. Since I had been photo tracking my food since June, just for fun I went back and estimated my calorie consumption, it was at least 300-600 short every single day... and on the double AB days, it was closer to 900.  NO WONDER I was failing!

Fast forward to last week right before GORUCK. It appears at least so far that everything is on a solid upswing: Body fat is down to 30.67, barbell weights are finally going up, body weight moves are finally achieving standard and as for the running, well I'm not fast yet, but I am already seeing substantial gains in my endurance, which is an excellent start.  As for the GORUCK... triple wow, but that's a story for the next blog post...

Nothing Ventured... Nothing Gained.

This morning was the Arrogant Bastard quarterly qualifier and I missed the cutoff by almost 2 minutes.  It was my third attempt this week to qualify.  I'm not done yet and will be running it one last time next week with Kendall and Perla who have paced me the last two qualifiers.  We'll see if they're the magic combination  that gets me back on the team again, if not, I'll be done for this quarter.

The question, is WTH has happened that I've not been able to qualify?  Good question.  Let's start with the fact that I haven't blogged since June 6th when I wrote about Jake. (Such a glorious ending to that story!) That just happened to also be the same day I made a major change in my nutrition and decided to completely detox off of sugar, but I wasn't comfortable talking about it on my blog.  As an addict of various substances, I walk a different road than most people in my fitness community and am reluctant at times to talk about it, preferring instead to just go quiet while I work through it.  Thanks to the help of some very special friends, I've gained enough ground that I see hope and am willing to speak about it now in a public forum.

The mantra I follow now is "If it tastes sweet, it is sweet, so don't eat it."  That applies to all varieties of sugar, yep including fruit. Yes, it's a harsh stance and truly sucks with the plethora of summer fruits available now, but I wanted  to get this started in time to enhance my race results for today.  My original thought was that dialing in my nutrition would enable me to lose body fat, become more fat reliant for fuel as opposed to just carbohydrate driven, and consequently make my training more effective for muscle gain and speed.  It hasn't exactly worked out as planned.  Instead, it's worked out better in some areas but possibly backfired in others.  First, here are some stats:

Body Fat Test on 6/10/13:
146.35 Weight
35.26% Body Fat
94.7 Lean Body Mass

Body Fat Test on 7/10/13:
143.15  Weight
32.20 % Body Fat
97.1 Lean Body Mass

This means that in 30 days of sugar, dairy and grain abstinence:
-3.20 Body Weight Loss
-5.51 Body Fat Loss
3.30 Muscle Gain

Yes, 32.20 % body fat is still way too high for health and performance, I know that.  I also know that I've hovered between 33-35% for the last three years, and have been unable to drop the numbers no matter how many lifestyle changes I tried to adopt.  I always got derailed by my emotions.  Until now.  This is the first time I've been able to ride out the craves and emotional spikes.  No, I haven't done it alone, and that's what's made the difference.  My addictions are high maintenance and I need people close to stay clean and sober... and sugar free.  That's just me, but more power to those of you who are able to beat your demons solo!

So, to me, these are very powerful stats.  In addition to the measurement changes, I can also say my sleep is greatly improved, my mood swings are gone, my general disposition is much calmer and will wonders never cease, my psoriasis is finally moving toward remission.  It's not completely gone yet, but it is better than it has been in over three years.  So, I must be doing something right.  Right?

Now, the flip side is that not only am I not faster, I've slowed down pretty dramatically, as my teammates can testify from training with me for the last month.  But WHY?  Everyone I speak to says it shouldn't be happening and that it's originating in my head, not my body.  While it doesn't feel that way to me when I'm training, I have to give it credence and see what's changed in my head.   (BTW... last Thursday when I made my second attempt, I opted to use a Hammer Gel.  Figuring the rocket fuel would cinch the result, and I'd deal with any craving flashback afterwards... truly addict thinking. lol  The sugar didn't help at all, seriously, zero...  It did however, leave me queasy for the whole night, and I have given my roommate the last of my race "supplements" to prevent me from ever thinking that will be a good idea again.)

The only thing that I can think of is that on May 8th, I made another major life change that has had a huge impact on my thoughts and behaviors... I entered a relationship with someone I choose to call a spiritual mentor.  One of the very first things she suggested was daily meditation.  I've always been told I'm one of those people who really need meditation to balance my hyperactive brain, but until I met Carla, I have never been able to sit quietly long enough to quiet my head.  For years I've just relied on my running to keep my head under control... with very limited results.

Now, I am able to sit quietly every day for about 30 minutes.  My goal it to be able to do it twice daily, but I'm not quite there yet. The benefits have already been amazing.  Not only am I far less inclined to jump or speak every time a thought pops in to my head, I'm all around calmer and my head is all around quieter. I realized just how much of a change there was when I went to the dentist last week for the first time in four years.  Not only did I NOT need the laughing gas , I was calm before I went, calm when I sat down, and calm during the injections.  Wow.  That's an absolute first. Seriously.  I've always been terrified of dentists. Oh, and did I mention the psoriasis?  Guaranteed that the meditation is also playing a major role in bringing it into remission.

But, I am now seeing the flip side may be that when I do need to ratchet up to high intensity, like this morning, my brain is actually resisting it.  It seems I kinda like a quiet head and I really like not feeling the constant anxiety that has always been part of my mental background noise.  So, maybe I've gone to that black and white world of all intensity or no intensity.  As my roommate Hope suggests, I may just need to give myself permission to experience periodic healthy controlled high intensity, like on race days.  I do hope she's right, and we'll find out next week when I give the qualifier one more shot.  I really like being Roadkill and I would greatly miss the adventures and camaraderie of the Arrogant Bastards!