Sunday, November 24, 2013

Disappointed but not by the mountain

Before the fun stuff, the critical part:

I am not Eric and I am just as obviously not your typical CrossFit box owner.  For some reason, that comes as a surprise to some people.  Seriously.  In case, you're one of them, here's a shocker... I am Kellie and just human, more so than some, less so than others.  I write this blog to share my humanness with friends, family, my community and even the open world. I really don't care who reads it. I allow myself to be vulnerable in my blog because I know that's the only way to be honest and reach people who struggle with "needing to be perfect" and falling short... repeatedly.  Some people actually think I am wrong to display my humanness for public scrutiny, thinking it inappropriate for my "position" and that it somehow makes me laughable in our community.

Those are heavy words to hear and very hard to ignore.  I go back and forth between anger, disappointment, sadness and my personal favorite... depression. The last three weeks have been dark as I've struggled with trying to see past this ugly side of humanity. (I really need to stay out of Facebook when I'm in this place because all I see are the turtle trapping, lion killing, child molesting horrors.)  These are the times when my deeply ingrained negativity becomes dominant and it's difficult for me to find the positive, motivational side of life and how to even connect with people, least of all write something uplifting.  So I go silent while I find my way back to a healthier perspective.

I can't say I'm there yet but I also know that wallowing in the feelings just makes them worse.  So next week I'm going to try something new. We'll see if it helps.  In the meanwhile, I'm just focusing on the fact that leaders make the best targets and if people are talking about me, then at least they're being reached and whether they are honest enough to admit it or not, they may actually hear my words.  For today, that will have to be enough.

So, after three weeks of silence...  fall down seven times, get up eight.

The last three weeks have been quite tumultuous. There were a number of highs... like crossing the 9-hour mark sleeping not once but twice in the last ten days (an unheard of feat in my sober life.)  Or the fact that my body fat % went down another point (28.17) and is slowly closing in on a record low.  As positive as those metrics are, at the moment I also clearly see the flip side that wrecks such havoc with my perfectionist personality... the two 6 hour nights and the insanely yummy popcorn I ate last night.  (sigh)

The Bastard 50k is right around the corner and the last three weeks have been all about team building, planning and practicing. I've been working very hard to establish cohesion with teammates and we've encountered a number of challenges. Last week Joyce had to drop and Maggie and I had to have a heart to heart.  Yesterday, it all came together.  Maggie and I planned and executed our training session perfectly.  Now, we're finally able to start focusing on the finer details of route selection, food, clothes, etc. Maggie and I make an excellent team and I'm very grateful for her friendship and enthusiasm...  AND the little extra nugget like her suggesting a team nutrition challenge. Starting this Friday through Christmas... no indulgences and no excuses.  Just what we both need to see us through the final push to the big night.

So, about yesterday...  It really was spectacular. I have been hearing about Mt. Disappointment for the last 8-9 years and somehow never climbed the trail... until yesterday.  First, let me say it was butt ass cold up there!  No snow, but a light breeze that made the temperature feel a whole lot lower than 36 degrees.  It seems Maggie's brain goes to sleep when she gets cold, so she wasn't taking any chances...

Not two, three or ever four layers... this girl was wearing FIVE upper layers, plus gloves, face mask and a fleece hoodie over is all.  Too funny!

Made my two wicking layers and a wind breaker seem like a base layer.  Yesterday did teach me though that during the race I will be packing glove warmers, one fleece layer... and a hat that fits properly!

Once we just accepted the weather and quit thinking about it, we were able to focus on appreciating our surroundings.  I've heard so many comments through the years about the difficulty of the climb that I was ready for much worse.  Granted it wasn't 101 degrees and we weren't coming off 20+ miles, so I have no doubt that trail is substantially harder under different circumstances. However, for my first climb it was PERFECT!

If you've been on Facebook, you've already seen this beautiful shot of the snowy mountain range and valley at sunrise:

That's only half the view, when you look in the other direction, down the trail we had just finished, you start to see the populated valley from a most gorgeous perspective:

The most perfect sight came at the top where the view stretched up and down the coastline, exposing not only Catalina, but the oil tankers in the Long Beach harbor.  Really!  Granted, DVH freezing in this photo rather eclipses the grandeur of the background. But, trust me,  if it hadn't been for my frozen fingers driven technical difficulties, I'd have the photos to prove those tankers were actually visible.  As it is, you'll just have to squint around the shivering Bastard.

At the end of the day, I do know down to my toes that every person on this planet is doing their absolute best to be the best person they can be, given their own set of circumstances at that moment in time.  Some moments our best is completely off the chart and other times we shouldn't be allowed in public.   The bit I need to remember is...


  1. I love you, Kellie! You just keep on being an awesome fallible, vulnerable human, and I'll keep applauding you along the way. (This is Shannon. I accidentally posted under the wrong moniker.)

  2. I dig the use of public domain imagery.